I'm FAT and I DON'T CARE
Feb. 13th, 2020 09:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_shewolf I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care. I'm fat and I don't care.
I've been called 'fat' since I was eight fucking years old, by my own fucking mother. My mother, who was disgustingly obese, truly morbidly obese, who struggled with weight her entire life. She had called me fat since I was only 8 years old. I have been forced to follow her into diet changes, fad diets, caving on diets, gorging, developed defensive eating because treats were a rarity and if I didn't eat them all first, my sibling would.
I ate and ate and ate because food was a comfort, food was quick endorphins, food was better than being sad and depressed, food was EVERYTHING to me. I struggle with portion control, I eat past being full, I eat till I'm in pain if I am not fully aware of myself, and with ADHD it is OH SO EASY to lose awareness, to slip into the calm stream of munch munch munch munch. It never stopped. Birth Control made me gain. Anti Depressants made me gain AND didn't stop the need to comfort eat. Diets did next to nothing.
Exercise? Don't make me fucking laugh. There was no push, not from me, not from my parents. The less I exercised, the more I ate, the more ashamed I became, worried about my peers. How was I going to exercise or play sports around them? Me? Fat Artist Kid Jordi? In high school I was one of the few who was too ashamed to dress in front of others, hiding in a shower stall to put my normal clothes on. I was scared that at any goddamn time, someone was looking at me, laughing at me, mocking me. I was fat. I AM fat.
Doctors treated me like a pair of tits that needed to lose weight, men and women doctors alike. "I'm depressed. I have PTSD. I was abused." 'have you tried losing weight? Here's some pamphelts on yoga, and the benefits of exercising. I'm sure the medication you've been on since you were 15 are still find, even though you're 20 now.' I fucking HATED it. I was almost 22 when I finally found a doctor that treated me like a goddamn human. He still mentioned weight, cholesterol, lipids in my blood, but it was never the biggest thing till I was in a better place mentally.
But you know what? After all this time, all these weak attempts at diets, all these cravings and fear and anxiety and mental suffering, I realized.
I don't FUCKING CARE.
I DONT CARE IF I AM FAT. LET THAT BE REVOLUTIONARY!
If you DO care, or maybe I should say "Care", then send me money baby. Give me the funds to afford fancy diet meals that get sent to my door every week. Give me the dough to buy a fitness trainer who will ride my ass where my own personal willpower collapses like a house of cards. Pay up so I can get surgery and slice my gut open so other people can feel better about how I look. My own MOTHER is still telling me I should get the Gastric Bypass. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being in pain physically, and being unable to do anything about it. Weight is to blame, its always weight, but no one fucking HELPS with it.
They tell you to go take care of yourself in a world where its cheaper and easier to get McDicks delivered to your doorstep than it is to get healthier options, than it is to find help when you want it. I fucking hate my mom, I hate my classmates, I hate the world around me pushing the fact that I have to be petite and fit and perfect but doing nothing to HELP ME WITH THAT. TO HELP ANYONE WITH THAT.
People LOVE to watch My 600lbs Life and scoff at people who have let themselves get that far, but no one does anything to help them. No one does anything to prevent it from happening. They just want to laugh at the end, and then coo how proud they are that this fat fuck was pushed to the literal Life Or Death breaking point, where they get help because a GODDAMN TELEVISION SHOW THINKS IT'D MAKE GOOD RATINGS TO HELP FAT PEOPLE.
Fuck all of you who think you're helping by shaming, who watch these shows for your own amusement.
I don't fucking care that I'm fat anymore. Let me be in miserable pain every time I sit just the wrong way and pay another 1000$ to get a steroid shot at the ER because they cant 'do anything else' for it. Lay down so I can crush your fucking skull with my 300+lbs ass, you'll do more for me then if you're not going to give me the money to be better.
I've been called 'fat' since I was eight fucking years old, by my own fucking mother. My mother, who was disgustingly obese, truly morbidly obese, who struggled with weight her entire life. She had called me fat since I was only 8 years old. I have been forced to follow her into diet changes, fad diets, caving on diets, gorging, developed defensive eating because treats were a rarity and if I didn't eat them all first, my sibling would.
I ate and ate and ate because food was a comfort, food was quick endorphins, food was better than being sad and depressed, food was EVERYTHING to me. I struggle with portion control, I eat past being full, I eat till I'm in pain if I am not fully aware of myself, and with ADHD it is OH SO EASY to lose awareness, to slip into the calm stream of munch munch munch munch. It never stopped. Birth Control made me gain. Anti Depressants made me gain AND didn't stop the need to comfort eat. Diets did next to nothing.
Exercise? Don't make me fucking laugh. There was no push, not from me, not from my parents. The less I exercised, the more I ate, the more ashamed I became, worried about my peers. How was I going to exercise or play sports around them? Me? Fat Artist Kid Jordi? In high school I was one of the few who was too ashamed to dress in front of others, hiding in a shower stall to put my normal clothes on. I was scared that at any goddamn time, someone was looking at me, laughing at me, mocking me. I was fat. I AM fat.
Doctors treated me like a pair of tits that needed to lose weight, men and women doctors alike. "I'm depressed. I have PTSD. I was abused." 'have you tried losing weight? Here's some pamphelts on yoga, and the benefits of exercising. I'm sure the medication you've been on since you were 15 are still find, even though you're 20 now.' I fucking HATED it. I was almost 22 when I finally found a doctor that treated me like a goddamn human. He still mentioned weight, cholesterol, lipids in my blood, but it was never the biggest thing till I was in a better place mentally.
But you know what? After all this time, all these weak attempts at diets, all these cravings and fear and anxiety and mental suffering, I realized.
I don't FUCKING CARE.
I DONT CARE IF I AM FAT. LET THAT BE REVOLUTIONARY!
If you DO care, or maybe I should say "Care", then send me money baby. Give me the funds to afford fancy diet meals that get sent to my door every week. Give me the dough to buy a fitness trainer who will ride my ass where my own personal willpower collapses like a house of cards. Pay up so I can get surgery and slice my gut open so other people can feel better about how I look. My own MOTHER is still telling me I should get the Gastric Bypass. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being in pain physically, and being unable to do anything about it. Weight is to blame, its always weight, but no one fucking HELPS with it.
They tell you to go take care of yourself in a world where its cheaper and easier to get McDicks delivered to your doorstep than it is to get healthier options, than it is to find help when you want it. I fucking hate my mom, I hate my classmates, I hate the world around me pushing the fact that I have to be petite and fit and perfect but doing nothing to HELP ME WITH THAT. TO HELP ANYONE WITH THAT.
People LOVE to watch My 600lbs Life and scoff at people who have let themselves get that far, but no one does anything to help them. No one does anything to prevent it from happening. They just want to laugh at the end, and then coo how proud they are that this fat fuck was pushed to the literal Life Or Death breaking point, where they get help because a GODDAMN TELEVISION SHOW THINKS IT'D MAKE GOOD RATINGS TO HELP FAT PEOPLE.
Fuck all of you who think you're helping by shaming, who watch these shows for your own amusement.
I don't fucking care that I'm fat anymore. Let me be in miserable pain every time I sit just the wrong way and pay another 1000$ to get a steroid shot at the ER because they cant 'do anything else' for it. Lay down so I can crush your fucking skull with my 300+lbs ass, you'll do more for me then if you're not going to give me the money to be better.
