Its Dark in Here

Sometimes I just want to talk for ages about the various ways my brain is messed up. I'm gifted in the fact I got the help I needed to heal and recover and be aware enough that I can now draw lines and find connections into... Everything I guess. I've always been far too introspective for my own good. Or, maybe it was good for me to be. It's a gift and a curse to be hyper aware of things, and then be unable to fully prevent them from happening.

 

RSD is a good example of that. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a difficult to deal with part of ADHD that essentially is like an over sensitive reaction to perceived (not necessarily intended or legitimate) rejection. I've had it flare up when a drawing I was proud of received critique I didn't want, I've had it when someone didn't respond to me in a chat despite being online, and I've had it happen when a friend merely stated they did not like an Overwatch character I liked (due to their game mechanics being admittedly difficult to deal with). It can kick up a dirt storm of depression and spiral into a state that is much like major depressive disorder, and panic attacks. I've learned how to spot them, and how to deter them, but my methods aren't fool safe, and I've even had a breakdown due to RSD in the past month. It's so frustrating!

 

And RSD from ADHD is only... One thing. Of many. I have general anxiety, which is a pretty way of saying I have anxiety over nearly everything. Social anxiety and temporal (time related) anxiety being the worst. Sometimes It'll flare up when people aren't talking to me, or when one person I really want to talk to isn't replying. It'll flare up when I have to work later in the day, with me staring down the clock each goddamn minute mentally calculating the exactly how much time I have left before I have to leave my house and go to work. Despite living maybe 8-12 minutes away from my job, I also am compelled to constantly be early so I always leave 30 minutes before Im due to clock in.

 

I'm lucky and glad that my depression at least is... more under wraps. Unlike my anxiety and ADHD, my depression wasn't genetic. It was caused from my abuse (and the residual PTSD as well, obviously), and I feel like it was 'easier' to sort of take care of. Granted, I don't think it'd be so easy if I wasn't on medication for it hah... 

 

Any way, there's no real point to this post. I'm purely just.... wanting to ramble. I enjoy it. It's how I healed so much this far. I still struggle with boundaries so I guess I probably shouldn't be rambling this shit to strangers but. I also struggle with 'caring' about self preservation a lot of the time. I'd rather give everyone all the ammo they need to tear me down if they want, that way it could just be done with and I can move on. Well, even saying that isn't true. I have the equivalent of a nuclear warhead I hold secret. Sometimes I give people the button to it. I'm glad everyone cares enough not to press it though...