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So I've been coming out of a multi-month spanning PTSD increase. I don't necessarily know how to describe it, if I'm being honest. I was triggered back in January, and my fear of men rocketed as well as the distrust, the unease, the paranoia. The 'worst' of it was at trigger point, it shot up, settled down, and the rest of the changes were... subtle. Small. Wary eyes with a guarded smile.
And it took till now, where I realize i'm coming back out of my shell, two months later, that I had been triggered at all. The surge felt so natural, like my paranoia was deserved (and in some ways, I'm still questioning its worth but that's, perhaps, a topic for another time...) and now i'm suffering from a 'change' in account of my settling down.
An absolute ravaging thirst to talk, to expand on my past again. It makes sense of course; my PTSD is... from my childhood abuse. So, coming down from a spike may encourage me to be more comfortable speaking about it.
I wrote an absolutely awful fic with the empowerment I gained (awful in subject matter. Its noncon, heavily violent and gory, features explicit mentions of past child sexual abuse... I love it) but its not enough. Projecting on another characters trauma almost doesn't feel enough. Like I need to just. Talk about it. About how I felt, about what happened. Give words and imagery to those terrible acts and how they made me feel, give Voice to the ugly and unspeakable emotions that I hide in the darker recesses of my mind, where they just wait for their time.
I have Therapy next week. But I wonder if I should speak sooner. Or write. Find a friend and ask if I can indulge in detail, or even post on here. I'd put it under readmore, I don't want someone to hurt themselves on my folly. But I just. My brain is buzzing. I've advanced so quickly in therapy, and I still have more to go, but it's like a taste of a finish line, yknow? An almost closure, despite thinking I had 'closure' long ago.
I didn't. I had... mini ones. I've closed the screen door. And then glass door. But the main door still hangs open and immovable. But it's starting to budge.
And it took till now, where I realize i'm coming back out of my shell, two months later, that I had been triggered at all. The surge felt so natural, like my paranoia was deserved (and in some ways, I'm still questioning its worth but that's, perhaps, a topic for another time...) and now i'm suffering from a 'change' in account of my settling down.
An absolute ravaging thirst to talk, to expand on my past again. It makes sense of course; my PTSD is... from my childhood abuse. So, coming down from a spike may encourage me to be more comfortable speaking about it.
I wrote an absolutely awful fic with the empowerment I gained (awful in subject matter. Its noncon, heavily violent and gory, features explicit mentions of past child sexual abuse... I love it) but its not enough. Projecting on another characters trauma almost doesn't feel enough. Like I need to just. Talk about it. About how I felt, about what happened. Give words and imagery to those terrible acts and how they made me feel, give Voice to the ugly and unspeakable emotions that I hide in the darker recesses of my mind, where they just wait for their time.
I have Therapy next week. But I wonder if I should speak sooner. Or write. Find a friend and ask if I can indulge in detail, or even post on here. I'd put it under readmore, I don't want someone to hurt themselves on my folly. But I just. My brain is buzzing. I've advanced so quickly in therapy, and I still have more to go, but it's like a taste of a finish line, yknow? An almost closure, despite thinking I had 'closure' long ago.
I didn't. I had... mini ones. I've closed the screen door. And then glass door. But the main door still hangs open and immovable. But it's starting to budge.